


It Was Always You

by taineedstochill



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Eventual Smut, Fluff, M/M, Self Harm, Sexual Assault, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-13 09:55:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20172328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taineedstochill/pseuds/taineedstochill
Summary: A twisted love story made in the hopes of recoverymade when i was younger on wattpad





	1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter sat in his bed, his only company being the soft snores of the Dursley's as they slept. The storm outside raged on, as did the one in his head; he fingered the razor, all thoughts of common sense leaving his mind. 

He laughed and cut once, twice, three times, until the steady flow of blood was threatening to increase. It wasn't enough, though. He needed more. More pain, more blood. he wanted to feel something. Anything. The war had left him broken; an empty shell of what he once was. 

He couldn't see the blood, but he could feel the life force draining out of him. He had to stop. He wasn't ready for death; not yet. It was becoming a routine. Wake up, skip breakfast, skip lunch, skip dinner, go to bed, cut until he's on the verge of death, go to sleep, and wake up again. 

He knew that what he was doing was wrong; but he couldn't seem to stop. He didn't want to stop. it was a self inflicted punishment, he was the judge, jury, and executioner. 

He passed out, dried blood coating his arm as a painful reminder of what he really is. 

Miles away, a certain blond-haired boy was doing the same thing.


	2. Chapter Un

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm regretting this more and more.

Harry was gently snoring in his bed at the Burrow, blissfully unaware of his friend Ron sneaking a glance at him from across the room. Usually Ron wouldn't be one to stare, but this was different. Harry was different. He had come home strange, distant, and Ron didn't know why. What had changed?

Hermione was feeling the same way - both her and Ron were concerned about Harry's health. Although, Hermione was better at picking up signs. Not good ones, either. She had noticed how Harry always had long sleeves, and winced when something unexpected brushed his arm. Of course, she wasn't going to just jump into conclusions, but something weird was going on, and she was going to find out what.

Harry woke with a start, with sunlight streaming into his windows. He looked over and saw Ron still asleep, and started to get up. Harry quickly snuck out of his room towards the stairs, heading towards the kitchen, where, by the smell of things, breakfast was waiting. Harry's stomach rumbled, and he was reminded yet again of just how hungry he gets overnight. 

Breakfast was a casual occasion, with lots of conversation between the siblings and Molly adding more and more helpings of food on his plate. 

"So, Harry, have you thought about returning to Hogwarts for an eighth year?" asked George, trying to start conversation. 

"Honestly, I don't know how I could handle it, with all the memories that would come flooding back to me," he exclaimed. "And it's not like I NEED my NEWTS, as Kingsley has already offered me a spot as an Auror."

"i thought you were trying to stay away from handouts...?" George said, hint of a smirk present. 

"Whatever, man. If it means so much to you, I'll go." He said with a smile. This action had an immediate effect, with Arthur and Molly hiding a gasp, and most of the Weasley kids (with the exception of Ron) dropping their forks. Harry continued eating, oblivious to the disturbance he caused. 

"Alright, I'm gonna go get Ron. Merlin knows how he gets when he misses breakfast," said Harry with a laugh as he stood up, unknowing to Hermione getting up to follow. 

Harry felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around, and, seeing Hermione, let a look of annoyance arrive on his face. 

"Yes, 'Mione? And, yeah, I know what this is about, so please, just say it, and get it over with." 

"Okay then, Harry," she said. "Tell me what's going on. You're distant, and cold, and don't you dare for one minute think that I don't know what you've been doing behind closed doors. Don't look so surprised, are you forgetting who I am? Tell me what's going on."

Harry opened his mouth, and closed it, for words were not enough. Instead, he just lifted his sleeve, showing the abundance of scars littering his wrists. The shock on Hermione's face was evident; she knew that he had been doing something, but to see it like this made it all too real. She didn't want to believe it, how could she have been so oblivious to the amount of pain her best friend had been going through. 

"I... I'm so sorry, Harry," she said, tears hurriedly forming in her eyes. 

"For what?"

"This! Everything! I should've known, I should've helped you get through this! What kind of person am I, you've gone through so much, too much, and I didn't realise there would be repercussions. I let you down, and-"

"Hermione, stop," he said, cutting her off. "This isn't your fault. All of this is because of me. It was MY fault to start this. Please, don't blame yourself. OR pity me, because you know much I hate that. Listen, what you can do is just ignore this. Forget it happened. I'll get through it, it's not your problem. Now, I still have to get Ron. You get ready, and I'll meet you in Diagon Alley, okay? Please, just forget about it."

"I'll.. I'll try, Harry," she said, and with a small nod, left, already thinking of remedies and healing potions. 

"Hey, Ron," Harry said, opening the door. 

"Bloody hell Harry, don't just open the door, what if I'd been changing or something?" Ron said, the harsh words meaningless due to the amount of humor detected in them.

"Good thing you weren't, as I would've had to bleach my eyes after," Harry replied.

"Hey, I'm not that ugly," said Ron in defence. It was useless though, as Harry had already left, clearly to avoid his reaction. 

The trio walked in sync to Madame Malkin's, as both Ron and Harry needed new robes. Hermione, however, had not grown any taller, and therefore went to buy all of them their new books. 

"Oi, Harry," Ron said while staring in the mirror. "Do you think these robes look good? Actually, never mind, you have as much fashion sense as a frog. I'll buy them then ask 'Mione."

"Ron, are you sure it's a good idea to buy robes and THEN ask for opinions?" Harry questioned, one eyebrow raised. 

Ron didn't answer, and instead chose to abruptly buy the robes and head out. Harry laughed and shook his head, amused with Ron. He turned his head and noticed someone coming in the shop. Someone hot, as seen from their body, and clothes, and... 'Shit,' Harry thought in disbelief. 'It's Malfoy. And he's fucking hotter than ever, too."

Harry couldn't help but notice Malfoy, and how he looked. His hair, blond as ever, was now loose and tousled, with several strands falling over his face. His eyes were like liquid mercury, with long, dark eyelashes making them look huge. Nose and chin had gotten pointier, and cheekbones gotten sharper. Not to mention his body; long and lean as always, with noticeable collarbones and ribs. In short, he had never been hotter. 

"Excuse me, Miss, I, uh, I need s-some robes?" Malfoy stuttered, and Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing. Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, the one who had a massive superiority complex all throughout Hogwarts, had a stutter? Harry pushed all those thoughts aside, cast a tempus charm, and realised he had to meet up with Ron and Hermione. He could think about Malfoy later. 

Several moments later, he caught up with his friends, and began heading towards the station. Upon arriving, he noticed there were quite a lot of eighth years; Neville, Susan, Ernie, Pansy, Blaise, Seamus, Dean, Ginny, Luna, and themselves. And those were only the ones he recognised. Harry climbed aboard the train and went towards his normal carriage, leaving Ron and Hermione to follow. 

"So," Ron said. "Eighth year, huh. I wonder how this is gonna go."

"Well, knowing us, I'd say it'll end up being quite eventful," Hermione said with a laugh. 

Just then, the carriage door opened to reveal Malfoy, face bruised and swaying slightly. 

"Merlin, what happened?" asked Ron, voiced laced with concern. 

"Nothing," rasped Malfoy, fear prominent in his eyes. "Just, can I sit here, with you guys? Please."

The trio nodded their heads in unison, as this was the first time they had heard Malfoy say please. Hermione and Harry shared a look, as they both had the same confusion. What was wrong with Malfoy?

"So, Malfoy," Hermione started. 

"Draco. Uh, call me Draco," he said. "Sorry, go on."

"Anyway," she continued. "What brings you to our compartment?"

"Well, long story, but, most people here wouldn't let me in; they though I might do something. Something bad, I suspect. I wouldn't, though," he said reassuringly. "Some people had some choice words towards me-" he indicated towards his bruise, "-so I ended up here."

"Well, nice to see you still have the same pompous attitude," laughed Harry. 

"Some people never change," muttered Draco, with the intention of falling asleep. 

The rest of the trip was peaceful for some; Ron and Draco were asleep, and Hermione was absorbed in a book. 

"I'll be back," Harry whispered. "I just need to go to the bathroom."

"Sure," replied Hermione, her eyes never even leaving her book. She should've seen Harry's face, though, or she never would've let him leave. 

Harry stood there, crying in front the mirror, and silently got out his blade. He quickly cast an advanced locking charm, one that a simple alohorma wouldn't unlock. He brought the blade down to his skin, not one ounce of regret in his eyes. It was different from last session though, this time he had emotions. He could feel, and he didn't want to. He wanted it to be like last him; painful and emotionless, but he was weak. Weak. He wasn't supposed to feel. He pressed harder, desperate for his relief. He slowly made one cut, then two, then five, six, and seven and he kept going, he kept going until blood was pouring out. He deserved it though, he deserved it for being such a fuck-up. 

Little did he know that a certain someone had unlocked the door, had seen the sins being committed, had seen Harry at his weaken state. He could do nothing but stare; this is what the 'Golden Boy' went through? Draco quickly stole a glance at his own sleeve-covered wrists, realising just how much he had in common with Harry James Potter. 

"Harry, what?" Draco asked, voice breaking with emotion. 

"Shit, sorry Mal-Draco," Harry said rapidly, pulling down his sleeve and hiding his blade. He wasn't quick enough though, as Draco knew exactly what happened. 

"Harry, what the fuck was that? You were in there fucking cutting your body to shreds. You think that I'm just going to ignore that?" Draco cried out.

"Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying. Ignore it. Just forget this ever happened, and that way it will be better for everyone. Why is it such a big deal, anyway?"

"Because I don't know what's been going on with you, but I do know that it is NEVER a good idea to do that!" Struggling to regain composure, Draco continued, with tears close to falling down his cheeks. "What if you suddenly cut too deep, and you're all alone, and you die?! How about that?!"

"Maybe that would be better," Harry mused, evident that this was not an uncommon thought. "Maybe I want to die, Draco. Ever thought about that? 

"Merlin, Harry, you need help."

"Possibly, Draco, but this isn't your problem. Just leave me alone, alright. I don't need you." 

"Yes you do! This doesn't make anything better, trust me!"

"Trust you..?" repeated Harry, confused. "What exactly do you mean by that?"

"Nothing!" Draco stammered, with worry. 

"Answer me, Draco. Don't you dare run away now."

"It means I know exactly what you're going through, Harry, and if you think I'm going to let you mutilate yourself, then you've got another thing coming."

Harry stared, before starting. "Just forget it, Draco. Leave me alone. And don't lecture me about what I do if you do the same thing." He left, slamming the bathroom door behind him. 

"Thank Merlin I put up a silencing charm," Harry muttered to himself. He didn't want to face Hermione, for he knew that she would immediately guess what he'd been up to. He didn't even want to go to Hogwarts, if he was being completely honest with himself. He wanted to stay at Grimmauld place, not having to face anyone. 

Too late, though, as the train had already made its way to Hogwarts.


	3. Chapter Deux

"Hermione, Ron, Draco. Wake up. We're here," said Harry, before reaching up to grab his stuff. The three promptly woke up and started to get their luggage, hurrying as to not miss the carriage. 

"Bloody hell, mate, what are those?" Ron asked, gesturing towards the Thestrals. 

"Those are thestrals, Ron, calm down," Hermione replied. "And the reason you can see them NOW is because you've seen death. Calm DOWN, Ron, and let me finish. They were always here, they're not dangerous, and you can see them because of the war. Now stop staring, and let's go."

"Alright, alright," he muttered, but not before catching another cautious glance towards them. The four of them chose a carriage, and, ignoring the hateful stares, climbed aboard and shut the door. 

The ride was quick and uneventful, with a heavy silence. Harry stared at Draco thoughtfully, wondering how someone like him got caught in all that mess; how he could've been friends with him. How it could've been DRACO instead of Ron. 

Then he thought about what Draco knew, and decided to look away. 

The dinner was boring, with the sorting being the only source of entertainment. But maybe that was just Harry's opinion. Just before they were about to head off, the Headmistress stood up, indicating an important announcement. 

"Now, as most of you know, with the returning of the eighth years, Hogwarts WILL be crowded. So, we have decided to room you in the Room of Requirement. Boys will room with boys, and girls with girls. Houses will not be present for you, so many of you will share with someone from a different house, such as Gryffindor and Hufflepuff, or Slytherin and Ravenclaw." She cocked her head, as if daring someone to disagree. "I assume that will be of no trouble? Good. You may leave."

"That woman is scary," exclaimed Ron. 

"Honestly, she's not that ba-"

"Yes, she is, Harry," Draco contributed, a hint of a smile on his face. 

"For once I have to agree," said Hermione. 

Harry laughed. "Alright, now you guys are ganging up on me. C'mon, let's go find our roommates," he said, heading off towards fourth floor. 

"Hey, I thought the Room of Requirement burnt down last year?" asked Ron. 

"So did I, but it's Hogwarts," answered Draco. 

"Good enough."

The walk continued in silence, before finally reaching the door. Upon entering, they noticed a sign for the girls dorms and boys. 

"See ya, 'Mione," came Ron, before giving her a kiss. 

"Um, too much PDA, this is a good Christian household guys!" laughed Harry.

Both Ron and Malfoy stopped. "Christian?"

"it's just a- never mind. How about we check out our rooms?"

"We have to share?" said Harry and Draco in amusement. 

"Hah! Later guys, I'm going to hangout with MY roommate, Neville."

"No one asked, Ron."

Harry and Draco stared at Ron walking away, before allowing an awkward silence to befall them. The cautiously entered, as if they were afraid to make a noise. 

"So," started Draco, "This'll be inter-"

"Look, can we forget about what happened earlier? I just- I'm trying to find ways to stop, and I can't deal with more stress, okay? Please, man."

"Um, sure. I'm worried about you though, man."

"Yeah, and I'm saying you don't need to be. Please. I'm fine. Really."

Draco waited, then said, "Fine, but-"

"Thanks," Harry interrupted. "Now, I've got a full bottle of firewhiskey that I need gone. Draco, will you be of assistance?"

"And I just," Draco hiccuped, "feel so trapped, you know?"

"Yeah, man," Harry murmured in agreement. 

"What about you, huh? What are you hiding."

"Fuck, dude, you really wanna know?"

"Yeah."

"Well," Harry begun, "I'm gay. Or sort of, anyway. I've known since what, fifth year? And I can't keep it in. I think, like, 'Mione knows, cause like, 'Mione know everything, but that's it, man. No one else. I'm just scared of what they'd say, you know? Judgement."

"I'm sorry," Draco stared. 

"Why?"

"I just, didn't know you were gay."

"So, what?' said Harry nervously. "Got a problem?"

"No, man, not at all. I'm gay too, and I know how you feel."

"Wait, you're gay too? I just thought, you know-"

"That I'd be homophobic? No. It made me more gay, honestly."

"Wow," Harry said. "Wow." He looked up at Draco. "You know, I always had a crush on you at school. Maybe it was your inbred, perfect features, but you were always the hottest person at school."

"Really?" Draco questioned. "I mean, I liked you since we met at the shop."

"You did?"

"Well, basically."

Harry looked away, and started saying "I mean, I do still think you're attractive." He looked at Draco. "And it would be nice, to like, let off some steam? Like, only if you want to, of course," he reassured. 

"You mean..?" Harry nodded and urged Draco to continue. "So we'd..?"

"Only if you're up to it."

"Yeah, I'm up to it." He leaned in tentatively, pushing forward until their lips met for a brief second. "And it won't get weird?" Draco looked troubled, only stopping when he saw Harry shake his head. "Then let's do it." He put his lips on Harry's, almost immediately feeling all anxiety leave. His hands found their way onto Harry's, and he started to lean closer. 

Their tongues brushed once, twice, before opening both their mouths. "Fuck," said Draco, moving his hands up to Harry's hair. He tugged gently, allowing a small moan to escape Harry's mouth. Harry bit Draco's lip in response, and put his hands on the bottom of Draco's shirt. 

"Fuck, take it off," he said, letting it fall over his head. Harry moved his head down, putting his mouth on Draco's neck. He kissed it, gently, then moved down to his chest.


End file.
